An open letter to my first born baby

To my first baby. The one who made me a mom. The one who taught me how to be a mom. My life changed in so many ways when you came into the world. Although I knew it would, the way you changed my world is only something you can only understand when you become a mother. That means you'll never truly know the love I have for you, or the way it felt the first time we locked eyes, I held you for the first time or brought you into the world. Thats why I’m writing you this letter-to remind you how much you mean to me. My love for you is and forever will be infinite.

When I found out I was pregnant with you I was shocked, excited, terrified, overjoyed, and timid. As the 9 months went on, I'll be honest. There were times that I thought to myself, am I ready for this? What if I'm not good enough? What if I can’t do all the things I like to do anymore?

Well, the 9 months flew by. They were hard. You wouldn't stop kicking me in the rib. I was exhausted. Then, the day finally came that you came into this world. It was 6am on the dot and I was asleep. Somehow, I knew that week it would be happening though. I thought you’d make your debut July 9th, and my water broke on the 10th-I like to think you knew I was waiting for you that week, we were both ready to meet each other.

My water broke as I was laying there bed…I immediately woke up your dad and went and stood in the shower, shaking like I was standing in freezing cold water, even though it was burning hot. I was terrified. Then 17 hours later the time came, they said it was time to start getting you out of my belly! I looked over at your dad with tears in my eyes and said, "I'm so scared."  2 more hours of the worst pain I've ever experienced.. and there you were! I waited for what felt like eternity for the nurses to hand you to me. But when they did, you looked right at me with your big blue eyes and just stared at me for what felt like forever.

Time stood still for the first time In my life. I completely lost it, happy tears came down my face. I just cried and cried and held you like nothing else in the world mattered. The pregnancy pain and exhaustion no longer mattered, the pain I just went through, although still very present was somewhere lost in the back of my head, the nurse that told me to put my mask on halfway through delivering you didn't bother me, the new, unknown doctor that was switched on us a the last minute, who’s face was covered in a mask, became a blessing. The stress of carrying you, and bringing you into this world in the middle of a world crisis- went out the door. All that mattered was you were here, you were beautiful, even more perfect than I could ever have imagined and happy.

Time stood still as I held you on my chest and blissful tears rolled down my face. The same way it will when you start your first day of kindergarten or go off to college (or whatever you choose to do).

Before you, life was free. I was carefree, my worries seem so small now looking back. My days consisted of me, your dad and buddy. I was selfish. We could pick up and leave whenever we wanted. We could eat whenever we wanted. Our house was spotless. Everything was easy. I didn't know what to expect when you came along, I didn't know how I would feel or how you would change our lives. But you did. You changed my life for the better and life as we knew it forever. Suddenly our spotless house is no longer perfect, but its so much warmer. My days are longer and sleep is shorter. But holding you and having you fall asleep in my arms gives me more happiness than those full 8 hours of sleep ever did.

Leaving the house has a whole new routine but bringing you with us everywhere is a joy. You taught me what it means to wake up over and over again every night, to feed you, comfort you or even just to make sure you're okay when you're not even making a sound.

All of your firsts are our firsts too. Your first smile, our first mistakes, your first bath. But more than anything, you were the first to show us what it is like for our hearts to walk around outside of our body.

Because of you I am no longer selfish. I would give everything I have for you and I now know the meaning of "loving something more than yourself" The day I became your mommy, I loved you more than I could ever love myself or anything else In the world. I would give my own life for you. I never knew what that meant before you. I didn’t know that you would teach me to slow down and truly savor moments with you. You would teach me that our time together is the most important and everything else can wait. You would teach me that YOU will be the best thing I do in my life. My biggest accomplishment.

You are the greatest gift I have ever received and I hope you always remember that. Even when I make mistakes, or whatever life throws at us down the road. I hope you always remember that my love for you is infinite and how wonderful life is now that you're in our world.

Thank you to Brooke with Honey Gem Creative for these beautiful pictures of our new family.